I am a teacher, so my first anxiety is the students. How do I talk to them? They all knew I was pregnant, so there is no
hiding the situation. Luckily the
school social worker came in and talked to them. She also had them write letters to me. Both of these things are going to make things easier, but it does
not lessen my nerves. What do I say
when they ask questions? I know they
will because they are 11 and interested.
Do I answer them honestly? If I
do does that overstep the boundaries of teacher/student? I don’t want my students to think I am not
honest, but if parents don’t want me to discuss death I don’t want to go over
them.
How do I fake it all day?
Right now if I cry, it doesn’t matter.
I have no one to answer to but me.
If I cry at work I have to face other people. Yes the people I work with are great, but I don’t want them to
see me cry. Crying is private to me and
I really only like to cry with people who know me. Also, I am still angry. I
don’t want to take my anger out on my students and friends. None of them did anything to me. How do I smile and laugh and joke to make it
all okay for everyone else? Do I have
to?
My last anxiety is answering questions. I want people to ask about Olive and
me. I want people to acknowledge that
my daughter existed. She is important
to me; she was a big part of my life for 21 weeks and will never go away. I guess my fear is that people will ask
inappropriate questions. Or that if
they do ask questions that I will break down.
Also, if they ask questions, do they want real answers or just a big fat
lie? Like the question, how are you
doing? I mean physically I am
great. I healed perfectly. Also, at the 6-week mark, my body went back
to normal. My cycle is back, so I know
that I can try again if I want to.
Emotionally, I am a wreck. I
miss my daughter and I am sad. Do
people want to know that or do they want to hear that I am okay? How do I answer them?
With all the stress I have, there is part of me that never wants
to go back to work. This was part of my
old life. The life where babies don’t die
and that I would have Olive. The life where
I had the perfect family and job. Now it
is different. I am a different person. Will I still do my job the way I did before? Maybe I will be better, more compassionate. Maybe I will be worse, too sad. Also with my sub-par review, who knows if I
will even have a job at the end of the year.
What I do know is it is only a job and my family is the most important thing.
Whether the job stays or goes, I will
figure it out and it all part of the path that I am meant to take.
With all of this coming up, we’ll see how I do. Should make for some interesting reading.
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