The Stages of Grief

It is an amazing road grief.  Taking a person through ups and downs, lefts and rights, and the occasional spin out.  It is like being on a roller coaster that you didn't want to go on and then to make it worse someone has super glued your butt to the seat, so you can't even get off.

There are supposedly 5 stages of grief.  I say supposedly because I have been through some new ones.

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

According to psychologists, every person goes through each of these stages differently and of course stages can last a long time, repeat and go out of order.  Also, because grief is an individual process, the rest of the world not associated with your grief usually expects one to move on and "get over it" as quickly as possible.

The world was not always like this.  At one time, people were required to wear black for a full year so people knew they were in mourning and would be sensitive.  Wakes used to be held in the home and were for days not just hours.  Mothers who lost babies would make jewelry from hair or decorations from ashes so their babies could be with them always.  Now because we are so medically advanced, death occurs in hospitals and is not seen.  People are expected to get over it and move on.  Too bad the human heart doesn't work like that.

Back to the stages of grief...

1. Denial:  I personally was in denial before my baby died.  I really feel that I had some 6th sense about Olive.  I was an emotional wreck the entire pregnancy, thinking the baby was going to die.  Now my doctors will give you a million medical and personal reason why I felt this way, but I think deep down I knew this wouldn't work out.  My denial was on the day I found out she died.  Before I found out, I actually believed that everything was going to be okay, right up until the ultrasound.  I denied what my heart and emotions had been telling me for 5 months.  So I easily moved onto the next stage of grief.
2. Anger:  I am good at the anger stage.  I was and am pissed for so many reasons.  I was angry with the doctor for telling me.  I was angry I had to wait to get the official ultrasound.  I was angry at my body for failing me.  I was angry that my husband wasn't with me and I had to go to L and D alone.  I was angry at my mom that she was wrong and everything was not okay.  I was angry that I was diabetic and maybe that is why Olive died.  I was angry that I didn't deliver her naturally and opted for a c-section.  When I found out she had the cord wrapped around her neck, I was mad at her for not staying still.  I was mad that I had been stressed.  I was even made at God, not because he took her, but because he didn't save her.  The list of my anger goes on and on and on.  No one would want to continue reading this if I went on forever though.
3. Bargaining:  I don't feel that I bargained over Olive's death.  Before I knew she was dead and during my pregnancy I bargained with God.  I will go to church for a healthy baby.  I will pray more for a healthy baby.  At one point, I was stressed over a sub-par performance review that I begged God not to take my baby if he was going to take my job.  Recently I have done some bargaining.  I told God that I would relax more and enjoy life more if I could have another baby.  Now I don't think I did bargaining right after I found out, but my husband thinks I did.  He thinks it is bargaining when I asked for my baby back for Christmas and saying that all I wanted for Christmas was a baby.  Maybe he is right.
4. Depression:  I live in the stage of depression both before and after Olive.  I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 23 and have been in therapy and on medication for a LONG time.  Medication has kept me sane and even, so I am grateful for it.  I don't know if my depression will get worse with this tragedy, only time will tell.  I think because I have been this way for so long I don't know if what I feel is because of Olive or just the chemicals in the brain.  I have sobbed, wailed, whimpered, shook, begged, etc throughout this last month, so I know I am depressed.
5. Acceptance:  I don't know this stage.  They tell me this the stage where you are okay with the circumstances.  You are not over it, you are still sad, but you are coping and it is not on your mind 24/7.  Maybe I will get there, maybe I won't.  Don't care right now, just walking through the motions.

I have gone through some non-official stages of grief.  Maybe every mother to an angel goes through them or maybe they are all just me.

• Failure: I failed to protect my baby, give my son a sibling, and my husband another child.
• Overprotectiveness:  Everything my son does, I double, triple think it.  He needs a tonsillectomy but I don't want anything to happen.
• Fear: What else is going to happen to me?  Will I die?  Will my child or husband die?  If I have another baby will my body fail me again?
• Searching:  Trying to find acceptable answers to these numerous questions, which I know there are none.
• Relief:  I didn't fail my baby.  It truly was an accident that I could not have prevented.

I know I will continue to go through the formal and non-formal stages of grief for a long time.  I know I am still angry and I know that I am still in depression, so there is no way that I am "over it" even though I have good days and laugh.

What have I learned from grief?  I have learned both good and bad things.

The good things...

• I have learned who my true friends are.  The ones who have stuck by me, talked to me, loved me, cried with me and make each day worth it.
• I have learned how strong I am.  Months ago I would have thought that I would be a falling down wreck if this happened, but I am still standing.
• I have learned how much I am loved by my family.  I have a husband who is strong for me, even in his own grief.  My parents hurt, but not just because they are going through it, but because I am going through it.
• I have learned to appreciate every moment I have.  Time spent watching and playing with my son is absolute pleasure, even when I am tired, frustrated or he is bratty.  I will never think it is a burden again.  Once quiet in the house was the only time it was peaceful, but noise from friends and family can be just as peaceful.
• I have learned that my husband is a truly caring man.  At first, I thought he didn't care about Olive's death and maybe even my pain, but he shows his grief differently.  His grief is shown when he holds me, listens to me, allows me to grieve, and when he is being strong.  He gets out his grief by caring for me.
• I have learned that nothing is more important than family.  At one point during this pregnancy I was extremely stressed about keeping my job and getting tenure.  Whether or not I keep my job this year and get tenure is no longer important.  Knowing that my son is happy and healthy matters.  Spending time with my husband is important.  Laughing with my parents is wonderful.  A job doesn't give me these things and I can get a paycheck anywhere.  Don't get me wrong, I like where I work and want to stay, but in the end having the family I have is what is most important and everything else just comes second.
• I have learned that people do care about me.  I always knew my family did, but I learned that the people I work with care and support me too.  It is a great feeling 

The bad things...

• I have learned that telling my son that his sister died and will never come home is the hardest thing I have EVER had to say.
• I have learned that people avoid mourners.  This is not a disease you can catch.  Your baby won't die because you talk to me.  I know that death is a subject no one wants to discuss, but avoiding someone who has lost a child leaves them alone.  Would you want to be alone if a tragedy happened to you?  Think about having all that grief and no one was there to talk to you or support you.  Scary, huh?
• Worst thing I have learned is that some people are selfish, insensitive fools.  Don't say to a mother of a stillborn the following:  At least you can have another baby, at least you didn't get to know the baby or bond with the baby, don't you have another child at home.  None of these things help and are heartless.   Also, if a mother of a stillborn wants to cry and talk about her child, don't say to them "you can't play that card forever".  It is not a card to be played and even if it was that mother has every right to play it.  THEIR BABY DIED.  Along those same lines, don't compare your hardships, even death, to the death of a child.  Unless you have lost a child you have no idea what that mother is feeling.  The car accident your kid had and lived through, the death of a pet, even the death of a parent does not compare.  Don't get me wrong the death of a loved one is immeasurable, but the death of a child is unnatural.

Now that I have gone on and on, it is time to close this.  I have learned so much on this road and I know I will learn more.  One of the most insightful things I have learned is that talking about this on this blog has made the pain more tolerable.  I am sure the blogs will become less, but for now it my guide through this maze of grief.  Hope you all continue to read about my journey and be part of my joys and pains.